Before I begin: There's really nothing you can say or ask that's going to make things worse here. I tend to be very laid-back so it's actually hard to offend me and I have done the morbid curiosity thing so it's fine; if you have a question you want to ask, go for it. The worst I can do is not answer you.
Otherwise, things are very one-step forward, two steps back. Ed is still very 'I love you but I don't know that it's enough'. I keep telling him that's bullshit. If he loves me, why isn't it? It's not like he can even point out to me what went wrong beyond a general 'my mom died, your mom died, I felt you treated me bad but never said a word and then I snapped and now I don't know'. So. I don't even know, really, what happened that was so bad, how things got so bad, that we're here now.
And no matter how much I look for something to do, it doesn't work. I tell him I'll try to be better--becasue I'm not a great wife and I DO need to try harder in some areas--but he doesn't want that either. We went out to DQ, just the two of us, had a good time, and then he felt like crap because he was giving me 'false hope'. He does it every time we have a good time out together.
I convinced him to try a new med, he made me tell the kids. I convinced him to see a therapist of his own (to deal with HIS issues, nothing marriage related because it sure as hell can't hurt) and he decides he's going to California for three weeks to spend time with his best friend. A woman I know told him at one point to get a divorce since I wasn't interested in therapy. I try to be supportive about her--Ed tends to befriend sad women who use him, broken people--and she's been good to him for years. But that upsets me. He knows his going AT THIS TIME is upsetting to me. But I'm being 'too clingy' and 'not like the girl I married' and I could strangle him.
He's not sure he wants to see my family at Christmas. It'll be 'too hard' on him. They don't know and what if they find out because they'll see we're not the same? I'm giving serious thought to just telling them. Telling everyone. Just so he doesn't have that to pull anymore.
I spend a lot of time swinging between pissed at him and incredibly sad and pretending that things are going to be all right. He and I still sleep in the same bed together but I'm not allowed to spoon him. I have been the big spoon for seventeen years. This is hard as hell. I can hug him but he never hugs me first.
He never addresses things with the kids. When they have questions they come to me and what can I say? How do I tell them that more and more I'm sure this won't work out? So I stay positive for them. We play the 'divorce game'. Somebody does something--Faith takes too long to get the mail, Jill forgets to call when she goes from Annalee's house to Alex's--and I go 'well, great, now Daddy and I have to get a divorce and it's all your fault'. And we laugh because it's ridiculous to think that anything they do could cause it. I hope that, in the worst case scenario, it makes things easier on them.
Sometimes I wish he could just leave. I think that'd be easier on all of us. But he says he's not sure and that keeps me hanging on. He has no plans for what to do with himself if he leaves. No plan of 'this is where I'll go, this is what custody will look like, this is how we'll divide things'. I told him I do and he looked shocked. I told him 'I HAVE to think of this, I HAVE to have a plan because if we fail the kids will NEED me to have it together'. He continues to not have a plan, to let me make his doctor's appointments and check his meds and just. I could kill him for it, some days. For saying 'I want a divorce' and then not being 'sure'. For prolonging all of this. I don't want a divorce but I hate living like this.
So. Yeah. I spend a lot of time kind of flailing around in the dark trying to figure out what the fuck is actually going on.
Doesn't help that if things at work fall through (Ed works at a hospital that's very inter-connected with a health plan and they might break up) Ed might be transfered down to St. Louis. Could happen right around March. I asked Ed what that meant for us and he just looked at me. I said 'I can't just move if you're going to divorce me and I don't want to move Ben and Jill out of this school system'. So he was totally shocked that oh, yeah, I might not want to move states and then be divorced and trying to figure shit out for the kids.
He keeps telling me 'you're young' (and I am, still) and that I'll find somebody else. I looked at him and said 'you think I'm going to want another relationship after a seventeen year marriage and a twenty-year togetherness just fell apart'? He just doesn't get it.
The worst part? The very worst part? I love him. I really do. It kills me inside it to wish he'd just walk away and end this. ETA: Please do understand that this is hard on Ed, too. He doesn't like doing this to me or the kids. He's honestly not happy in our marriage right now, he's not just a gigantic dickbag about things. I just want to slap sense into him, is all.
There are days I want to cling to all of you and cry in your arms. There are days I want to keep it together in front of all of you and not let on that life can still hurt you even after you go through so much shit. Every day I touch my wall, where I posted all of your letters and emails, my little rainbow of all of you.
I told Angela that one day, no matter what, I'll be happy again--that we will, we all will--and there will be laughter every day. I believe that. I know that. No matter what, it'll happen. So whatever you take away from this update, remember that most of all.