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Apparently when I have a looming deadline (je_fqfest ;___;) I write over-emotional crap instead of crying and panicking like a normal person.

This relates to Aki's present but is not, alas, porno. I'm supposed to be writing porno (that is not related to Ohno's sex-demoning ways or the twisted things Jun did with those other two) but instead I wrote this.

At least I only wasted an hour?



More Than Heaven

Nino isn't Sho's first.

Sho has been a guardian angel for a time longer than human memory has stretched. He had seen the monkeys come down out of the trees and he has watched over them ever since. He's seen his charges grow up and grow old and die. He's watched some of them die young, some horribly. He has guided their souls to Heaven and watched them leave him forever. A guardian angel never knew what happened to his charge once they had reached the Gate. Sho had never had a problem letting go.

Nino isn't Sho's first and he's not even the first whose future Sho has known before it comes to pass. He's not the first young man to die of a massive infection raging in the blood.

Sho doesn't know why it feels like he is.

"You look sad today," Nino says from his hospital bed. All the doctors and nurses are surprised that Nino is still conscious, able to talk and laugh and sometimes visit with the other nearby patients. Sho isn't. Nino is a miracle all by himself.

Sho also isn't sure to whom Nino is talking. He glances over his shoulder.

Nino smiles, like he'd seen. "You," Nino says. "You look sad today."

He's known Nino since before Nino has known himself and Sho is certain that Nino cannot see beyond the human world. Absolutely certain. Still, he points at himself and says, "Me?"

Nino's smile widens. "You," he repeats.

"You can see me?" Sho asks in surprise.

Nino outright grins. "I can see lots of things."

"No you can't," Sho tells him. He's been there every day of Nino's life. He has walked him home from school, trying to shield him from the taunts of bullies and helped him to not miss his train to work. Nino can't see him.

"There's a tanuki down the hall with a pin in his chest. If you sing the song he'll laugh and do the bura-bura part. He changes into all sorts of things when the nurses aren't looking."

Sho can't help asking. "How can you—?"

"Because," Nino looks at him with suddenly solemn eyes, "because I'm dying. Right?"

Turning on the spot, Sho goes to Heaven.



"I'm sorry," says Higashiyama.

And Sho doesn't understand. "I've never asked before," he says. "Not for any of the others. This boy—he isn't even anyone…special. Important." They are the wrong words. Nino is both of those things. "He'll never change the world."

Higashiyama looks regretful. "This is his fate," he says, laying his hand over Nino's page in the Book.

Sho can see all the things, all the words and lines, that created Nino. He can see the words that describe him, define him, the words written by the world and by Nino, and the hand of God. And Sho can see that the Book does not contain Nino. There is no picture of the baby born with the grumpy frown, the toddler who slept with his blanket over his face, the little boy with his games, the teenager with his guitar, the young man with his foxy, sly grin to cover his sweet smile. "Please," is all he can say.

The Book closes softly and Higashiyama has serenity even in his sympathy. "You have grown fond of this one," he says. "Perhaps this early parting is a blessing for you."

No, thinks Sho.



"You're back," Nino says. His voice is hoarse in a way that Sho knows means Nino has been crying.

"Of course I am," Sho says gently, going to Nino's side. "This is the first time I've gone to a place you couldn't follow."

"That's creepy," Nino says with a trembling smile.

Sho does not touch the tear tracks on Nino's cheeks. Instead he crouches beside the head of the bed, his chin resting on his folded arms as he looks at Nino's face. It is so dear and familiar, even in its sorrow. "Why are you sad?" he asks.

Nino's smile trembles but grows stronger. "I'm not. It's just the first time somebody told me the truth. That I'm dying. I'm really happy."

It is such a painful lie and yet Nino makes it sound soft and honest.

A nurse comes in, injects yet another medicine into Nino's IV bag.

Sho has only questions for Nino. "Why would you say that?" he asks.

Nino's eyes start to go heavy from the powerful medicine. "I can see you," he says, his voice drifting quieter and quieter. "My grandfather said…" He falls into sleep before he can finish, before Sho can tell him that's not what he meant.



The night passes, the next day, and Nino doesn't wake until the next night enters its full darkness. "Do you have a name?" he asks.

An angel's true name is a secret, a sacred thing. It is not for humans, not even for the other angels. Sho tells him and realizes only as he says it how very lonely his name sounds.

Nino mispronounces it, as any human mouth would, and Sho laughs.

"Shut up, Sho," says Nino before falling asleep again.

His name doesn't sound so lonely when Nino says it.



Nino sleeps and doesn't wake.

There is nobody who expects that he will.

Sho touches him and fills him with grace until his eyes open again. "Nino," he says quietly.

"Sho," Nino says. His smile is only a suggestion of his eyes and a shadow on his lips. Everything about Nino is faint and dim, fading. "Do you love me?" he asks.

Love is a mortal emotion and Sho has only ever known it as that, as something imperfect compared to the passion of angels. But he understands it now and it is not imperfect.

"Since before you were born," Sho tells Nino "and every day after."

"Stay with me," Nino murmurs, the grace failing. "I don't want to die alone."

"You won't die," Sho tells him. Nino is beyond speech but Sho can see him so clearly, shining like stars in the sky. "I promise you; I won't let you die."

In his arms, Nino succumbs to the darkness.



Each angel has a single golden feather, a symbol of glory, delicate and deep and beautiful.

Sho tears his out and uses the blood that comes with it as ink. In the Book he crosses out Nino's dying words, the words that trace the way to his death, and writes in their place words of living, writing them over and over even as Heaven quakes. Each word written sets another into his skin and each one carves at his heart. He keeps writing until the others come.

Higashiyama's look is indecipherable. He takes the feather and Sho lets him. What he has done cannot be undone. Where Nino lives cannot come death. "Sho," Higashiyama says, "what have you done?"

"Fallen," Sho answers simply.



Nino wakes with the dawn, yawning and stretching. Sho can see the moment where Nino realizes that he is alive. Fully alive. "Good morning," he says quietly.

"What the hell?" says Nino.

Sho shushes him. "Quietly. It's not visiting hours and I'll get kicked out."

"What the fucking hell?" Nino whispers.

"You're healed," Sho tells him. "I told you that you weren't going to die."

Nino punches him on the arm. "Idiot!" he hisses. "What did you do to yourself? Your wings are black and your eyes aren't blue anymore and you've got a tattoo."

Sho touches his face. He can feel the blood-colored words, somehow smoother than then the rest of his skin, and knows that they curl all along the side of his face, down his neck, and down across his chest, the last word over his heart. "Heaven's got a strict policy about some stuff," he tells Nino. He thinks that later his heart will break for this, for what he's lost, but for now there is only room for Nino.

Nino who somehow, impossibly, knows. "You idiot," he says again. He links their hands, laces their fingers, and they sit in silence. "What is it?" he asks later. "It looks like writing…"

"Angelic script," Sho answers.

"Does it say 'mother'?" Nino asks with a wicked smile. Sho returns Nino's punch on the arm, lightly. Nino laughs at him. "Sissy," he says. Then, "No, really—what's it mean?"

Cast from Heaven, May God have Mercy upon this Mortal Soul is what it says. But Nino asked its meaning and so Sho answers. "Life."





***
Yeah, I was seriously tempted to call this 'I've Fallen, and I Can't Get Up!'.

One Moment of Sho-Jun (and Aiba) in this same AU. With some Ohmiya cameos.


ETA: If anybody wants to read some actually awesome guardian angel fic, you can read this and the fic it links to. Because it is amazing--as Erin's work tends to be, I might add--and it is not nearly so heavy as this. Seriously, go give it a read.


ETA2: karmade drew fanart for this. Why are people so amazing to me?LINK IS NOW DONE?

ETA3: And people CONTINUE to be amazing to me! 9squirrels made fanart too! Of Sho and his tattoo!

Comments

( 82 comments — Leave a comment )
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r_1_ss_a
Jun. 11th, 2009 09:29 pm (UTC)
ok...WOW...

i have no words...i've been doing that a lot lately...

this was so good. i don't think i could even comment properly...

and also, hi! *waves* stalker here, i think i've read all your fiction as well, i found you through waxrose, aatash, primroseshows and probably other arashi fandom writers as well. i haven't commented before and i'm sorry. i've just been reading and being in awe.

but i thought i should come out from hiding. because this was GOOD.

leaving now.
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:22 am (UTC)
Yay, stalker! You found me through some truly amazing writers so I hope I can live up to that. For now, I'm glad that you liked this fic!
(Deleted comment)
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:23 am (UTC)
Does my love for Sho-loves-his-tiny-Nino show much? Until you show up in the night to stick a shiv in my ribs, I will believe that it was a good heartbreak. :D
maiaide
Jun. 11th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
That was so beautiful! It makes me want to write some kind of Biblical epic or something like it but I'm sorely underread in Christian mythology. Maybe I should watch Dogma again.
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
I LOVED Dogma. ♥ I'm really happy you liked this!

...biblical epic. I just mentally recast my Roman Catholic upbringing with JE idols and other Arashi-related people. And it was awesome.
(no subject) - maiaide - Jun. 12th, 2009 07:37 am (UTC) - Expand
jamasunda
Jun. 11th, 2009 10:25 pm (UTC)
;A;

._. So pretty


*speechless ;A;*

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
I'm glad it's not just heavy-handed angst! Yay!
waxrose
Jun. 11th, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC)
CRYING. ;_______;
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:27 am (UTC)
*patpat* I'm sorry.
mizud
Jun. 11th, 2009 11:14 pm (UTC)
TT_______________TT
poor Sho-kun, poor Nino ;_;
Soo prettyyy >
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:28 am (UTC)
Sho never regrets it. Not even when he wants to strangle Nino in his sleep.

I'm glad you thought it was pretty!
aatash
Jun. 11th, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC)
This made me cry. ;; Dear, dear Sho.
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:29 am (UTC)
I'm sorry I abuse him so much! Every time I think about Sho and Nino it ends with me thinking '...and Nino is Sho's baby!' And I think that shows.
inuhariko
Jun. 11th, 2009 11:38 pm (UTC)
I just really enjoy this universe. Obviously it has potential to bring both the crack and the beautiful beautiful angst. I love that combo. And I really did want to know more about those characters.

I'm glad you decided to distract us yourself with more of this little world. ♥

Also, I've Fallen, and I Can't Get Up. LOLWIN.
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 05:11 pm (UTC)
Your comments always make me feel better about what I've done. ♥

(Nino does the 'fallen and can't get up' thing at Sho all the time. Sho makes his orz face and threatens that next time Aiba tries to hump Nino in his sleep, he will LET HIM DO IT instead of waking Nino up or distracting Aiba.)
jiyeop
Jun. 12th, 2009 12:27 am (UTC)


still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:30 am (UTC)
Gif! Ohno does an awesome sad-face. It is epic.

honooko
Jun. 12th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
AWWWWWW SHO. ♥
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:30 am (UTC)
It's very obvious that I consider Nino to be Sho's baby, isn't it? orz

Also: I love your icon. Nino's smile and Sho's mouth. Life is beautiful. ♥
blood_opal
Jun. 12th, 2009 12:44 am (UTC)
STOP TRYING TO KILL ME WITH YOUR AWESOME. DDDD:
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:31 am (UTC)
If I were trying to kill you with awesome I would post more pictures of Sho and Ohno and Nino touching each other and being gay bffs together.

(no subject) - blood_opal - Jun. 12th, 2009 07:09 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - still_ciircee - Jun. 12th, 2009 01:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - blood_opal - Jun. 12th, 2009 07:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - still_ciircee - Jun. 12th, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - blood_opal - Jun. 12th, 2009 07:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
rinalin
Jun. 12th, 2009 02:10 am (UTC)
Oh god damn.

I don't really have words.

It's just that powerful.
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:32 am (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it! Or else that you hated it but couched it in terms that I could take well! lol Thank you for commenting with a cute Nino icon, too. ♥
nicefinalbeam
Jun. 12th, 2009 02:12 am (UTC)
:( I think I ruined the beautiful image this story has by immediately thinking of that Dr. Pepper commercial afterward.

I would do anything for looooveeeeee....

But aside from me ruining things in such a way, it was fantastic. The tattoo thing was just... guh. SAD.

YAY for ShoNeen pimpage! Thank you! ♥ You will be surprised to know I've actually started writing for sei_shoku. *gasp!*

Nothing for fqfest yet but I do finally have an idea, so YAY! :D
nicefinalbeam
Jun. 12th, 2009 02:14 am (UTC)
PS: I'm jealous! My guardian angel story got only 8 replies at my comm. Though really, this proves the power of sakumiya your amazing writing. heart1
(no subject) - still_ciircee - Jun. 12th, 2009 03:34 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nicefinalbeam - Jun. 12th, 2009 03:56 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - still_ciircee - Jun. 12th, 2009 04:04 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nicefinalbeam - Jun. 12th, 2009 04:12 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - still_ciircee - Jun. 12th, 2009 04:07 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nicefinalbeam - Jun. 12th, 2009 04:08 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - still_ciircee - Jun. 12th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
all4cyanide
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:37 am (UTC)
Sakumiya...oh my poor little heart. Thanks for writing and sharing this! It was really moving and the characterization was interesting. I have a thing for dying Nino. :P
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 03:43 am (UTC)
I have a thing for Sho loving Nino to unreasonable amounts! I'm glad that you liked this and that you liked dying Nino (as not everybody does).

Your icon is adorable, by the way.
(no subject) - all4cyanide - Jun. 12th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC) - Expand
primroseshows
Jun. 12th, 2009 04:41 am (UTC)
I'm crying, okay. That's all I can say, really. I - well I was in a vulnerable mood today to begin with, and though I rarely cry for fics, this was just so sad and so beautiful. I just want to keep the feelings I got from this fic forever. Thank you so much for this.
still_ciircee
Jun. 12th, 2009 01:58 pm (UTC)
*snuggles* Thank you. If it helps there are time when Sho wants to put Nino in a shipping crate and mail him parcel-post to someplace remote. Most of the time Nino makes him laugh until his stomach hurts but Sho is not distracted and pokes food into him anyhow and Nino grumbles at him even more.
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